Glorious Mess

This morning while in my water aerobic/Hear from God time, I chuckled when it occurred to me that I am a Glorious Mess. First the good news: I’m inscribed in the palm of God’s hand, and nothing can separate me from His love for ever and ever. Amen.

I have a tendency to sing well. I am creative. I like to plant flowers in containers. I can make my husband laugh. I actually like my teenagers.

As for the messy part; first of all, apparently even the title of my little post is already a book I didn’t write (kudos to a Pastor M. H.) Secondly, I have a tendency towards anxiety and strange imaginations. It’s getting harder to sit still at restaurants, at church, and don’t even ask me to go a movie theater. I struggle with obesity (and sometimes I let it win). I lean towards feeling like a martyr concerning my mothering. I’m not a very good housekeeper. I am a splendid procrastinator.  I can’t drive on the highway (without screaming) and I am only truly comfortable shopping for groceries at 4 a.m.  I have pride that I don’t like to drink much alcohol but I will eat 2 cupcakes at a sitting, like a sugar stupor is any better. I keep saying I’m going through peri-menopause, but surely at almost 50, it’s actually full-blown menopause.

A few weeks ago I really felt the Lord impress on me that I’m not defined by my anxiety or my weight or my propensity towards being a complete mess. The reality is that His thoughts towards me are HIGHER than my thoughts, even though mine can get pretty low. Anytime I’ve ever asked Him how He sees me, or what He calls me, it’s always His child, His jewel, His Queen. For real.

I’ve even gotten pictures in my mind of me, as a sweet little sweetie in a field of flowers being spun around by my amazing Heavenly Father, who is laughing and smiling and enjoying the time with just me, having no agenda other than making me feel secure, and joyful and at peace.

I know some folks get instantly healed of all manner of physical, physiological and emotional ailments. I’ve even had my own measure of healing in some of those areas. But for some reason, and I suspect it’s allowing me to put more reliance in my Heavenly Father who names the stars and counts the hairs on my head (and knows that THIS one is number 2,456),  I seem to be the poster child for needing to go in and have the medical establishment figure things out and help me along in my struggle. I want to assure you that I have prayed a LOT about this matter. I’ve had others pray. I’ve waited on the Lord. I’ve cried. I’ve begged. I’ve “done it afraid.” And still, I seem to need to take a pill in order to get on a plane or even spend a day in Bellingham. Today, as I call the nurse hotline (with my husband’s blessing and insistence) and follow the instructions towards healing of my anxiety, I am going to tell you that WITHOUT a doubt, I’m going to give glory to God each step of the way because I know that not one atom of this fabulous world and all the things in it were created apart from Him. I am grateful that He has given wisdom to scientists and medical personnel to take the things He has created and make something that will alleviate my desire to stay in my house, or in the airplane bathroom, or in the lobby instead of the event, or have to go outside of the restaurant several times during a meal.

If you struggle, and are feeling the weight of guilt or failure on top of the mess of a disorder or disease or ailment, I’m giving us carte blanche permission to fall into the arms of a God who would take the time to make sure I take a route home that includes an eagle soaring overhead, or encourage me to walk off the beaten path to show me a gorgeous flower of impeccable design, or surprise me with the myriads of other delights that draw my lips into a glorious smile and fill my heart with the joy I ache for.  He will never leave. He will never forsake us. He will make sure we are healed in His time, His way, with His purposes surrounding the whole adventure. A glorious mess? You bet. But let’s focus on the glorious part and leave the mess to Him. (and to the medical folks who, whether they acknowledge it or not, get their wisdom from Him :).